Engrish.com has a huge gallery of adventures in mistranslation. Despite the fact that Asian education standards are much higher than that of North American schools (especially in Japan and Hong Kong), much of the English written on products for general consumption are very poorly translated. This is partly because they don't necessarily intend for their products to be used outside of their country of origin, but also because they can't be bothered to hire a native English translator. The results are funny, to say the least. Hence, you get products such as "Pocari Sweat" (which is available in North American stores that cater to Asians, such as T&T Supermarket) and t-shirts that read "Toilet Love" (this is available for sale on the website).

There is a flipside to this, all of which is the indirect result of the mainstreaming of Asian culture. Because of free trade and immigration, Asian culture is becoming very prevalent in North America. Japanese cartoons are routinely translated into English for Saturday morning, and have even become more popular than domestic product. The Chinese martial arts film "Hero" (aka Ying Xiong) is the current box-office draw. And, get dropped off in the middle of nowhere and you will find an Asian restaurant within walking distance. Heck, in my neighbourhood alone, there are three places you can get sushi, all on opposite street corners. And yes, I have eaten at all three of them.

Being a multicultural society, it is only fitting that most non-Asians person partake in the many facets of Asian culture, whether it be dining at an authentic Chinese restaurant (and not just ordering what can be best termed as Gwai-Lo Chinese food -- lemon chicken, egg foo yung, chicken chow mein), studying Tae-Kwon Do, or watching Rahsomon.

And then there are those who take it a little bit further. Too bad that they're taking it in the wrong direction.

One non-Asian guy I met at the gym had a particular Chinese character tattooed on his shoulder. Despite growing up in a Chinese household, my knowledge of the Chinese language is best described as weak, most of which I know being learned from repeated viewings of John Woo's "Hard-Boiled" (for example, if you point a gun at someone's head, you're supposed to say "mo yook", which means "don't move." That's good to know). But, I do know a couple other things about the written parts of Chinese. The conversation went as follows:

"So, you know what that character means, right?"
"Yeah, it's the year I was born."
(me shaking my head) "Uh...no."
"Yeah, man. It's the year I was born."
"Uh...no it's not."
(slightly desperate this time) "Yeah, man, it's the year I was born."
"Uh...that's only one character. The year you were born should have at least four characters."
"It's the year I was born."
"Dude it could say JACKASS for all you know."
"But it's the..."
"It just says "YEAR." That's all it says."

This is essentially the opposite of what they feature on Engrish.com. Somehow, I get the feeling that there is probably someone in Asia collecting photos of the poorly translated tattoos acquired by baka gai-jin (that's Japanese for "Stupid Foreigner").

Methinks he either thought it was cool looking and decided to go for it, or he's trying to pick up Chinese girls at the clubs (the epidemic of so-called "Yellow Fever" -- fetishization of Asian females -- is another negative aspect of mainstreaming of Asian culture). Word of advice, my gwai-lo friend. If you want to get something Chinese permanently scarred on your skin, do your research. Ask a Chinese person who actually speaks and writes Chinese. Then get a second, third, and fourth opinion.

This is when Asian culture is not so much as being mainstreamed as it's being white-washed.

Stuff like this shouldn't really bother me this much, although it's generally not expected of me anyway -- I don't look that much Chinese (today, another person had no clue as to my nationality). But, it dilution of culture is a shame in just about any culture.

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*BELCH*

While quite a few months before Thanksgiving, whenver I am involved in large gatherings with friends where a lot of food is involved, I am reminded of how I must be grateful for the things I have in life. I am grateful for the love and support of my friends and family. I am thankful for having a place to stay. I am especially grateful for my health.

But, most of all, I am grateful for my fast metabolism and active lifestyle that allows me to eat whatever the heck I want without gaining weight. While this becomes more of a hinderance than anything else (I become weak and lethargic if I don't eat very three hours and I still can't put on muscle mass to save my life, plus my food bill is higher than average), it does come in handy. Such as when you hold a get-together where food is involved, and everybody brings much more than they can eat.

Today, I threw a small housewarming/barbecue for my mom because she didn't really want to have a housewarming per se. So, I invited my friends over and prepared a few dishes. If they wanted to bring stuff, they did. Despite my mother's insistence that people bring stuff home (boxes upon boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, stacks of desert fruit pies, hamburger patties), they are now chilling in the fridge. On the plus side, this means I probably won't have to cook for the next few days.

My eating patterns have been quite erratic over the past week, as I also started doing a lot of my own cooking. Just on a whim, I downloaded a few recipes for muffins (banana chocolate chip and blueberry) . While the first ones ended up being a little on the doughy side (blended the batter a little too much, shoulda just "folded" the mixture), I still was eating them at a fairly rapid clip. During the week, I baked another batch of blueberry muffins for my sister, who just moved into a new place.

I ended up eating half of them in a four hour span. Mind you, it was only a half-dozen batch, but still, I remember what happened the last time I ate more than two of anything in any given time (refer to my first blog on Krispy Kreme doughnuts for more details). Thankfully, I made them myself so I knew very well what was in them. I immediately made another batch and made sure I left the house to my sister's as soon as they were finished baking. To ensure that I don't eat any on the way, I fill my stomach beforehand.

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
[deep breath]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Possibly one of the more masochistic forms of entertainment, I spent the evening with my Capoeira class over at Vancouver's amusement park, Playland. Having went without going on a roller coaster for the better part of eight years, I forgot about two things: how long the lineups can get, and how frickin' fast these things go.

As the outing was provided complimentary courtesy of the people at PNE (our group was doing a demonstration on the 22nd of August), we got to go on every ride. Well, almost every ride.

This one new ride was introduced to replace The Rainbow (unfortunately, the name escapes me as of this moment...I think it was called 1001 Nights). While a diagram is better to describe it, it has a platform arm which stays upright while it is being spun around in a circle. As it drops, passengers almost float out of their seats (restraining arms keep this from happening). As The Rainbow was one of my favourites, I was eager to try this one out.

As we waited in line, we realized that the lineup wasn't moving. This was because there was a massive puddle of vomit right next to the exit which had to be cleaned up. We decided to come back after another ride. When we returned, we realized that again that the lineup wasn't moving. There were two separate puddles of vomit this time, which a guy was trying to wash away with a bucket of water. It's times like these where a hose is handy. Sadly, the group I'm with take this as a sign to try a different ride.

Somehow, I'm reminded of a time when I was attending BC Physics Day at Playland during high school physics. We had a friend who had the misfortune of going with a full stomach, so we goaded him to go on ride after ride after ride. As we left the Enterprise, he complained, "The puke is right here!", pointing to his throat. We all then got him to go onto the Tilt-A-Whirl (it didn't even take that much arm twisting). It was six of us, three of us in one car, three in another, which meant we didn't see our friend all the time. Although we do remember two distinct images: one of him clenching his eyes shut, concentrating really hard not to puke; the other with his head buried between his knees. We have since re-named this ride, "The Tilt-A-Hurl".

This is truth in advertising. Rethink Advertising is a company that has an account with Playland to handle their print, radio, and television advertisements. Since holding the account, they have won several awards and garnered some controversy among the more conservative types. Their recent print campaign featured on bus shelters and the Skytrain features models covered with foodstuffs and vomit (ie: "Vomit print by Crazy Beach Party", "Mustard motif by the Corkscrew", etc.).

I will always remember the infamous "Barf Cam" television ad which was unfortunately yanked after a few complaints. In it, the camera takes a POV shot from inside a person's stomach (you see little bits of partially digested matter) while you hear the sounds of the famous wooden rollercoaster (the clackety rumbling sounds, people screaming). The camera rises and you see a set of teeth, which opens up to reveal a guy's face. "Not now, man! Not now!" He says. The camera goes back down, but then all of a sudden shoots straight up into the air, past the row of teeth, past all the passengers in the rollercoaster, falling through the rollercoaster, as all these people are running out of the way to avoid getting hit by flying vomit. The last thing you see before it hits the ground is is the Playland logo. Cut to black.

(If anyone knows where I can download a copy of this ad, please let me know! "Barf Cam" doesn't yield any positive results when punched into google.com.)

One thing I'm realizing through all of this is that we're essentially paying for the privelege of pain (Rethink capitalizes on this in their ad campaign, which is one of the reasons for their success). They seem to think that we'd be willing to pay MORE for another particularly rough ride, The Hellevator. It costs an additional $5 to go on it.

So, I pay the additional $5 and start to rue the decision as soon as the restraining arm goes down and realize that there is no turning back. The fun (or not!) thing about this ride is that it shoots you straight up in the air with no warning whatsoever. As soon as I get off, I'm feeling slightly queasy and my hands are tingling. Fortunately, I have the foresight to stop eating two and a half hours previous. I am still on the verge of collapse as soon as I get off the ride, though.

Perhaps it was a good thing that we decided not to go on 1001 Nights after all...

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As a self-professed Person That Writes Things, I am constantly behind the keyboard, hacking away things that are as far away from the next Great Expectations or Tale of Two Cities as possible. Still, you can find me writing the occasional short screenplay, the odd movie review, and the frequent complaint letter to the local newspaper.

Take my latest published "work," for example.

Vancouver Sun editorials, Thursday, August 19th, 2004,

Re: Canadian prankster not funny: Games organizers, Aug. 18

The prankster's actions are a huge black mark against Canadian sports and an embarrassment to Canadians. The fact that this story made the front page only encourages people like Ron Benshimon. Sadly, he is getting the publicity he wants.

The only good thing is that it was probably one of the more benign ways to point out security holes at the Summer Games, and was preferable to an actual security threat.

-Vince Yim, Surrey.

I have a pretty good track record when it comes to getting stuff published in the Vancouver Sun, at least 70% of the letters I e-mailed got published. My very first piece was published back in 1995, when they were asking for opinions about the then-controversial cartoon show, Beavis and Butt-Head. At the time, I felt it was juvenile and puerile (although the film, Beavis and Butt-Head Do America is a work of comic genius). Anywho, the gist of my letter was that as much as I find it distasteful, it's still up to the parents (or whoever) to decide what their kids should be watching.

It was a pretty cool experience, having the Vancouver Sun photographer come over to my parents house to take my photo. They published it too. But, the caption at the bottom of my photo indicated that I wanted the show pulled off the air. Ah, the magic of editing.

These days, I keep all the letters I send to the Vancouver Sun really short and sweet (yet cynical and sarcastic, if possible) as to avoid major edits. Still, that doesn't keep that from happening. In one when I was writing to talk about the American stance on BC's film and lumber industry, I used the phrase "400 pound gorilla," but the editors converted it to metric.

As to the letters that don't get published? Vancouver Sun's rival publication, the Vancouver Province, once ran a front page headline saying words to the effect of ""Victim" comes forth with her story" (the word "victim" was put in quotation marks in the headline). This was around the time when there was a sexual harassment case between an SFU student and a swim coach (the coach was the alleged harasser and was dismissed from his job but evidence later revealed that the alleged victim was the actual harasser).

My response to the Vancouver Province was that regardless of the outcome, it should be up to the public to decide, as opposed to what essentially was a headline from a supermarket tabloid (plus, I also put the word "newspaper" in quotation marks). Needless to say, they didn't publish it.

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In every twelve step program, the first step involves admitting that you have a problem.

My name is Vince. (Hi, Vince)

And I am completely whipped.

I can't remember when this all started to happen, although I do notice a bit of a pattern when I'm dealing with members of the opposite sex. In this day and age, a certain amount of chivalry is always appreciated, although with feminism becoming at one point more dominant than equal rights among genders, chivalry is becoming deader than disco. Nothing is more apparent when a male attempts to be a nice guy and holds a door open for a member of the opposite sex and is immediately responded with, "I can open my own doors." While incidents like these are actually decreasing, they are still causes for concern.

Yesterday, a person who I regularly deal with at martial arts ended up falling off her bike, causing multiple contusions and abraisions on her left arm and shoulder and spraining her wrists. She was attempting to carry several items (total weight: less than three pounds) to a vehicle, one of which was her handbag. Eschewing the fact that traditional male roles dictate that a male will treat a woman's handbag as radioactive (much like a tossed garter at a wedding), I elect to hold these items for her. At an initial glance, one may simply dismiss this as simple common courtesy. Those looking closer will see that I am voluntarily holding her purse.

Mind you, this was on top of a small stack of items, which meant I didn't actually have to touch it or anything. My excuse was that it didn't quite look like a purse at first (it was one of those handbags that are designed to look like a miniature gym bag).

This is nothing compared to an incident earlier in Spring, where a female coworker had a strap on her left shoe break during a shift. I offer to go to her car where she has another pair of shoes waiting for her so she doesn't have to walk barefoot to her car to retrieve them. While this isn't quite like laying my jacket down so she doesn't have to walk across a puddle and ruin her shoes, it's only after I retrieve her shoes that I realize the full implications of my actions.

That, and another female coworker observes, "I'd make someone a great boyfriend some day."

What makes it worse is that these are two people for whom I have no personal interest in, apart from being "just friends" or "just co-workers" (plus, at least one of them has a steady boyfriend already anyways). If I am willing to do this for people for whom I am "just friends" with, one can only imagine what I am willing to do for someone who I hold in a higher esteem (ie: want to be more than "just friends" with).

There does seem to be a pattern, though...if I have access to a vehicle and I am attending a group activity, I am more likely to offer a member of the opposite sex a ride home than I would if it were another guy. I consistently lie to myself and try to justify it, though, saying things like "I'm just being nice" or "It's in my nature to do so." Or, as I tell others, "My mom raised a gentleman. I'll introduce you to him some day." And when a member of the opposite sex comments, "That's awfully sweet of you" (or words to that effect), my immediate response is, "Eh, I work on it."

However, I do have my limits. I draw the line at purchasing feminine hygene products, even if asked. Or any of those other weird items that one finds in a woman's medicine cabinet, for that matter.

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A while ago, I was mentioning a crazy art project which involved custom painting a computer case to my liking. After about a week of being holed up in a garage and inhaling sanded paint dust and paint fumes, the work has been complete. Well, sorta.

Click here to take a look...

It's sorta pedestrian when compared to some of the other whacked out jobs some of the other people have been known to do, but it sorta reflects what I enjoy doing, taking stuff and making it my own. I already did the same to two cell phones.

I would do a lot more, but doing so would void the warranty in a lot of cases. The reason why I can do it with cell phones is because the faceplates are removable (especially on Nokia phones, which is the main reason why I prefer them over other brands).

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I learned two things today.

1: Communication is key. I thought I was meeting a bunch of friends Downtown so we could go inline skating on the sea wall. Being that I had an appointment to make at 1:30PM and it would take me 40 minutes to blade down there. I called at 11:45 and they said that they'd be there in fifteen minutes. I go get pizza while waiting. I call back at 12:30 and tell them that I'm leaving to meet them later.

Forty minutes wasted because they were under the impression that I was going to meet up with them following my appointment. Given the rate at which they rollerblade, I was able to catch up fairly quickly.

This is either the result of me not being clear of my intentions or someone not listening, but if both of us had a clear idea of what was going on, I wouldn't be sitting on my ass next to a statue of an old woman on a park bench waiting for my friends to not show up.

We did meet up later on, but first...

2: I am either way too lazy, or way too arrogant. I managed to screw up at that appointment. That appointment was my belt testing for the upcoming batizado for my Capoeira studio. Instructor Negao was listing off moves that I knew how to do, but I didn't know the names for them. Worst of all, I was asked to sing a Capoeira song in Portuguese. It went something like this...

Sinha mandou me pegar / Na ladeira do Pia / Os feitores de sinha / Nao conseguem me agarrar

Sou um negro quilombola / Angoleiro do Pia...

[Ten second pause as I spontaneously forget the next line]

So heranca de Zumbi / Ganga Zumba e Oxala

Luto pela liberdade

[another ten second pause as I try to remember the last two lines of the verse]

Nao sou peca pra sinha
Camara

E Angola e / E Angola a / E Angola e Capoeira / E Angola

Obviously, I need more practice (which my instructor points out). Understandably, I get marked much harsher on this part, because if I am to be leading the singing in the roda, I can't really stumble over the lines like that. The second part, where I'm asked to sing two more Capoeira songs goes a little more smoothly.

Sai sai Catarina / sai a do mer venha ver Idalina / Sai sai Catarina / Catarina venha ver / Sai sai Catarina

Zum-zum-zum Capoeira mata um (zum-zum-zum Capoeira mata um) [4x] / hoje tem maribom (e zum-zum-zum) [4x].

The general Q&A (general history of Capoeira, concepts and philosphy, my place in the group, etc.) I do a little better on. But, I know that I could have done signifcantly better, considering that I actually knew all the answers that I ended up blowing.

I really don't have anyone I can blame for that, nor do I wish to. But it's still a humbling experience to have your ass handed to you. That happens to me more often than not, which makes me one of the more humble folks around.

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"Every dark cloud has its silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it."
 -Despair.com

Today was a day of silver linings for me.  However, it's all a matter of perspective, and whether or not the proverbial silver lining is worth getting struck by the proverbial lightning.  Here's a quick rundown.

Silver Lining: Today, I learned that I'm not allergic to bee or wasp stings.  Usually, in order to determine one's allergies, one has to go through an unpleasant process in which a series of needles introduce alergen into a person's system in order to induce a skin reaction.  However, I managed to get around that and I'm feeling much more well informed.

Lightning Strike: I found this out the hard way.  Today, I was painting at a job site where the exterior of the house was infested with insects and spiders of all types.  Having been responsible for cleaning and painting, I had to manually pick out spider webs and cocooned insects from crevices.  And that was the more pleasant things I had to deal with.  I have about a dozen or so mosquito bites covering my arms, legs, and face from the first day when I didn't remember to bring insect repellant.  And about those wasp stings?  I had no idea that they could actually sting a person through their clothing.  I have one on my left ass-cheek and on the inside of my left thigh.

Silver Lining: Today, those kind helpful painters gave a sincere apology and voluntarily removed the paint splatters from my car which they got on by mistake.

Lightning Strike: What is this, rocket science?  Having been surrounded by construction, the car is understandably dirty, not including the paint overspray.  If you wash your car, you have to rinse it off first so you don't grind the dirt into the paint.  Guess what.  Allegedly, "The guy doesn't speak good English."  Call me culturally insensitive if you will, but since when is that a legitimate excuse?

Silver Lining: I managed to get registered for all my courses at Douglas College.

Lightning Strike: And that's the only thing I achieved today because I slept in and played video games for most of the day when I wasn't working.  I got next to nothing achieved.  I still haven't done a second draft of my article, my laundry isn't put away, and I still haven't eaten even though it's 10:30. 

The Monty Python troup put it best:

"Life's a piece of shit / When you look at it / Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true / You'll see it's all a show / Keep 'em laughing as you go / Just rememer that the last laugh is on you."
 -"Always Look on the Bright Side of Life"

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On Professionalism
 
As an aspiring professional writer, it's pretty much what I'm best at.  I partially attribute it to a bizarre spontaneous thought process (I'm a really good guy to have on teams when playing Charades), a large vocabulary, and a degree in English lit (would you like fries with that?). 
 
In about five minutes, I was able to bang out a complaint letter on behalf of my mom.  Since we moved into the new place, the level of quality seen in the aspects of the house, whether it be the overall construction to the paint has been pretty dicey.  And then they decided to paint the exterior last week.
 
I wouldn't consider myself a good painter by any means.  Even though I've been working for a painting company for about three weeks and they do seem pleased with my work, I know I'm not a professional painter.  However, if I was to produce work like that done on my mom's place, I wouldn't last very long.
 
Admittedly, accidents happen.  I should know.  But the things that have been happening are simply stupid and preventable.  Among them:
 
-Back deck has several drips of yellow paint on it.  This could have been prevented by putting a drop sheet on it.

-My car is speckled with yellow paint.  This will take a while to restore back to normal.  This could have been prevented by asking me to move the car and would have taken all of fifteen seconds.  I was home all day when that happened.  Guess what.  Somehow I'm reminded of the time UPS came by the same place to deliver a package, but assumed the place was still under construction.  I was home the entire day and a ten second phone call would have saved me a 45 minute drive in rush hour traffic to pick up my package.

-There is a large dried puddle of paint under the patio, plus there are large spots of yellow paint splattered on nearby plant life and sprayed over the nearest storm drain.  Did they think no one would notice?
 
I mentioned this off-hand to my supervisor in the painting company I work for.  He defined for me the word professional as someone paid to do a job.  I then said, "That may be so, but that's not the type of work we'd want to be handing in."  Since the word "professional" isn't too liberally tossed around to the point that it loses meaning, it should still mean someone who is actually skilled and engaging in said standards.  I hestitate to refer to myself as a professional painter, as I still lack experience.  I really hesitate to refer to the hired painters on my mom's house as professional as they lack skill, or at least skill and standards.

I really hope someone is going to be paying to have my car detailed.  While the paint could be removed with some effort, it's effort that I really should not have to be expending.

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So, given my previous to-do-list, here's what I got...
 
-First draft of long article for Fangoria magazine: COMPLETE.  This wasn't as hard to complete as I initially thought.  It's amazing how easy one can fill space.
 
-Map out schedule for fall semester: UNABLE TO COMPLETE.  My sister has been on me to get me to map out my schedule for weeks.  I guess it's been a while since she's been to any post-secondary institution, because I went on the website and they won't even let me look at it until my actual registration date.
 
-Unpack everything/clean room: INCOMPLETE.  I actually have a legitimate excuse for this, believe it or not.  Being that I was unexpectedly called in to work on Friday, Saturday, and Monday, plus I had a social obligation I had to meet on Sunday (Mia, the daughter of one of my friends, was baptised on Sunday.  I ended up being in charge of taking photographs.  Don't ask why.).
 
-Memorize martial arts sequence for upcoming belt testing: COMPLETE.  Heck, I'll even bang out the movements by memory.
 
OFFENSIVE:
1: Ginga (basic swinging movement of Capoeira)
2: Galopante (open hand slap)
3: Ponteiro (toe kick)
4: Quixada (circular kick, from inside to out with front leg)
5: Meia Lua de Frente -> Armada De Costa (forward crescent kick -> spinning heel kick)
6: Au (evasive cartwheel)
7: Bencao (thrusting push-kick)
8: Saide au (evasive cartwheel, moving around opponent)
9: Role (rolling crouch)
 
DEFENSIVE:
1: Ginga (basic swinging movement of Capoeira)
2: Cetula Alta (probably mispelled...hand block)
3: Grava de mao (again, probably mispelled...low block)
4: Esquiva -> cabecada (dodging evasive movement -> headbutt to solar plexus)
5: Resistencia -> Negativa (defensive crouch -> defensive crouch with outstretched foot)
6: Cabecada (headbutt towards escaping opponent)
7: Negativa (defensive crouch with outstretched foot)
8: Tesoura de Costa -> Cabecada (preparation for scissor-hold takedown -> headbutt to chest/face)
9: Au (again, cartwheel).
 
-Read Sun Tzu's The Art of War: INCOMPLETE.  I got this as a birthday present from my older sister.  This is technically leisure activity, so it can really wait, though.
 
-Spend no more than 30 minutes/day on video games: ACHIEVED.  Well, sorta.  Outside of a few hours spent at the Playdium video arcade with some of my best friends to celebrate my birthday (about a week and a half late!), Grand Theft Auto Vice City has remained in its jewel case as has Need for Speed Underground.  But then, my copy of Dance Dance Revolution Ultramix finally arrived in the mail.  But you could argue that it's also exercise...
 
-Donate all useless crap (old books, clothes, etc.) to charity: INCOMPLETE.  Partly because the truck from the Developmentally Disabled Association hasn't figured out where we live yet, but mostly because I still haven't had time (or haven't gotten around) to sorting everything.
 
 
So, with that done...
 
To Do List, (3rd Week July)
 -Sort out boxes and stuff, clean up room.  This is important as I sort of told my friends that I'd be organizing a housewarming in August.  I can see this being a problem if I end up working lots this week.  After a long day of painting houses and spending half an hour picking bits of latex paint out of my hair, the last thing I feel like doing is more work.
 
 -Deal with student loan crap.  Being that I'm going to school full time and I dunno if I can find part-time employment, something's gonna have to give.  I just have to figure out how to read all of those forms!
 
 -Second draft of Fangoria article.  I may have to come up with a new introduction.  I also have to fax my editor a copy of the phone bill.  I interviewed two screenwriters from LA for aboug 69 minutes (about 12-pages of interview transcriptions!) and my mom just about had a shit when she saw the phone bill.  Okay, she really didn't.  Possibly because she knew (assumed) I'd be paying for it.

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It's been said: if at first you don't succeed, lower your expectations.

Regular readers of my blog will be aware of the month-long experiment to see how productive I could become if I was cut off from many of the distractions that keep me from getting stuff done. Nothing was really proved by the whole experiment, because if your attention span is as short as mine, you'll find some other way to become distracted.

So, I started writing up to-do-lists. The list for this week is as follows:

-First draft of long article for Fangoria magazine
-Map out schedule for fall semester
-Unpack everything/clean room
-Memorize martial arts sequence for upcoming belt testing
-Read Sun Tzu's The Art of War
-Spend no more than 30 minutes/day on video games
-Donate all useless crap (old books, clothes, etc.) to charity.

My first draft is done and has been sent to New York, awaiting approval from my editors. I haven't been playing video games, even though I just bought an X-Box. The boxes are slowly being unravelled bit by bit, but you can actually navigate through the room without stepping on stuff. I got the sequence nailed down, and I've been reading through my copy of Sun Tzu.

In retrospect, either I really half-assed some of these tasks, or I really need to raise the bar a lot higher. But, it's only Wednesday, so that leaves several days for me to finish the rest. However, I am more than on-track. I even decided to toss a little art project into the mix too. I recently obtained a computer case, which I am repainting so it's not the standard old bland beige colour that we're all so used to seeing.

While I haven't been playing video games, I have been spending a bit (okay, a lot) of time looking up what other people have done to their computers. I've seen some really crazy modifications, such as one where a guy took an old US Military ammunition case and used that to house his CPU. Others built them into really old stereo consoles from the 70s. I'm probably just going to get a couple cans of spray paint and go with a black and green colour scheme. Nothing huge.

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As the day commemorating my 27th year of existence comes up quickly (tomorrow!), I am not really dreading it per se, as nothing much really changes too drastically. However, one thing I am noticing over time is that it's harder and harder to actually celebrate my birthday on my actual birthday.

When I was a kid, it was not really a problem because in the summer time, it's easier to get people together, especially when the kids don't have to go to school and they don't have that many responsibilities.

Flash forward some 20-something years. We have dayjobs, mortgages, student loans, and part-time summer schooling. So, everyone ends up celebrating days before or after the actual said date. This isn't such a bad thing, though, as birthday festivities have been actually happening over the course of the week, depending on which circle I'm in.

In my Capoeira group, when a person is celebrating his or her birthday, they are given what I refer to as the Brazillian equivalent of birthday bumps. For the uninitiated, Capoeira evolves around what is known as the roda (or "the circle"), where the students and practitioners of Capoeira are in a circle and the head of the circle has a row of rhythm instrument players (atabaque (drums), agogo (bells), pandeiro (tambourine), and a Brazillian rhythm instrument called a berimbau). Typically, two "players" go into the circle and start their game, which can include anything from kicks to acrobatic movements to takedowns. In the group I belong to, when a Capoeira student celebrates his or her birthday, EVERYONE has to go up against that person, and typically tries (often successfully) to take down said birthday person.

Even though my birthday is on Tuesday, they did it early on Saturday. It's actually not as bad as I thought (I remember seeing some people go up against at least a dozen different students), although my left calf is still smarting from getting swept to the floor. I'm going to class again tonight and there's a good chance that they're going to make me go through the process again.

However, there is another student there who has the same birthday that I do, and she wasn't there that Saturday...

Today is actually my late father's birthday. Yesterday, my immediate family went to visit his site to give some flowers and then we all went out for dinner. It was sort of an early birthday thing for me too, so that way they can get it out of the way. Combining birthdays is usually an economic option for a lot of people, but my dad was never really into birthdays in the first place, so I got a lot more attention on my birthday when I was a kid.

This Friday, my regular friends are taking me out to Playdium, a local video arcade that has a licensed restaurant (read: they serve alcohol). They also have a Dance Dance Revolution machine there. It's that game where you use your feet to step on four panels in beat with music. My friends are allegedly going to attempt to get me completely drunk before going on the machine. Somehow, I think management might frown against finding vomit behind the machine.

As it is, birthdays might actually be better as you get older, as you get more friends and meet more people, and the busy schedules make it so different people will be celebrating your birthday on different days.

Maybe it's just me, though...but as a person gets older, why does a person's birthday involve inflicting a lot more pain and suffering than should be warranted?

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The productivity experiment has come to a close and it has proven absolutely nothing. Having all the comforts of home taken away clearly does not enhance productivity by any means, because if you have a short attention span, you'll find some way to procrastinate, especially if you're faced with a particularly tedious task. But, my editor seems pleased with my work that I've submitted, so I'm on the right track.

As those are aware, I finally moved into my new place with my mom a couple of days ago. However, I'm not really "moved in" per se, because the place was far from completed by the time we arrived. As we arrived, there was still lots of work that had to be done. As expected, certain appliances weren't installed and there are always a few kinks that have to be worked out. However, the walls were not completely painted, the trim isn't completed, and base board was falling off in certain spots.

Hence, I cannot completely unpack or put up any furniture like book cases, because they're just going to have to move it again so they can access the wall behind it. At this rate, it'll be several weeks until I'm completely settled. Normally, if the place was complete, there'd be the simple matter of getting everything unpacked and set up. That hasn't quite happened.

However, this does give me more opportunity to work on my article, because I can't exactly goof off by watching TV (cable has already been hooked up, and all my DVDs are still packed in a box somewhere). But I am nowhere close to being able to entertain guests.

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Productivity Experiment: Day 33

As I write this, it is past my bed time. This experiment was probably one of the least scientific experiments I have ever undertaken. I can't even compare this to previous time periods where I had freelance assignments, as the situation was completely different. Several factors are different. Among them:

-Health. This last week, I've been having stomach issues. Read my first month of blog entries and you'll see why. No, I didn't have any more Krispy Kreme doughnuts, but I did end up having dim sum with my family last week Sunday. It's been months since I've last eaten actual dim sum and I completely forgot how much grease is in it. My body can handle sugar, but it simply can't handle large amounts of grease. If I'm in pain, I really don't feel like working.

-Weather. This weather has been too nice to stay indoors.

-Lack of direct internet connection. As you know, my regular computer isn't hooked up to the 'net right now, which makes sending articles to my editors very difficult.

Oh, wait...those weren't actually different factors, they were really excuses. If I didn't have a short attention span, I would have gotten a lot more work done.

Still, throughout the entire experiment, I was able to get some things accomplished.

-Found a new job. Well, two actually. I've spent about two weeks working as a student painter, but the work is only on-call, so I ended up getting another on-call job with BC Liquor Distribution. I love scotch...I love scotch...scotchy scotch scotch...here it goes down...down into my belly...

-Finally finished all the transcriptions. This is the most tedious part of the writing process, and if it were a lot more entertaining or there was a faster, more efficient way of doing it, I would've finished it in less than a day. As it is, I just finished them today. While I was working for about two weeks, I could've easily finished them earlier if I really felt like it. Sadly, I didn't really feel like it.

-Nailed down full-on backflips. I've been leading up to these for the better part of a year now, especially with assistance from spotters and equipment. I ended up bruising my left heel (the actual bone part, not just the skin) and it hurts to do some things. One of the instructors at Capoeira says just ignore it. Okay.

Eh, who am I kidding. I could've easily accomplished all of these things in a week. I've been at this experiment for over a month now!

My to-do list: revised.

-Finish articles
-Finish articles
-Finish articles
-Register for school in September (got sick of the $8.50/hr bullshit, so I'm going back to school to get me an edumacation)
-Figure out love life (this one is an ongoing process)

I am moving this Wednesday, so that day will be a complete write-off in terms of getting this stuff done.

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Productivity Experiment: Day 26

This experiment will be winding to a close within the next week, as I will be going back to "regular" living conditions with all my conveniences placed in front of me. However, I can't really say that it was the most scientific experiment, as there were several elements not in place. For one, the last time I was working on an article, I had a full-time job and the weather was cruddier (this was back in February). Since I've been conciously keeping track of my progress, it actually FEELS like it's been taking longer. I've set a personal deadline to finish my transcriptions by tomorrow evening and I even set aside a little reward for myself.

As previously mentioned, if you have a short attention span, everything can serve as a distraction. The only difference between my working conditions here (in the Sandman Inn) and at home are that if I want to use the Internet, I have to go into an elevator. While I'm not checking my e-mail every 10 minutes, I still haven't gotten around to uninstalling my video games.

It's a really good thing that I only have a P3 933mhz, which won't be capable of handling the more advanced video games that are coming up, like Half-Life 2 and Doom 3. Once that happens, nothing will get accomplished.

However, my mom has been encouraging me to get a video game system so she can play Dance Dance Revolution. Once I showed it to her at a video arcade in the mall and now she wants to play it too. So, it all boils down to finding an appropriate platform: X-Box or PS2.

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Productivity Experiment: Day 24

Today was especially productive for me. I managed to get another two pages of transcriptions finished (okay, one and a half), which puts me at about halfway through (of course, that includes the first interviews I transcribed weeks ago). Being that today was going to be a pretty packed day, I tried to make sure I could get in as much as possible.

And then a friend who I haven't seen in a long time invited me out for a day at the beach. Living in Vancouver, everyone pretty much knows: Have a good time because the sun can't shine every day. So, it was a toss-up. Work on the article that isn't due until late July? Or go to the beach?

The calls of sandy beaches, waves of the lake, and women in 2-pieces was too enticing to ignore, so I had to go for it. Mind you, it would've been impossible to bring my work with me. Even with a laptop computer, I would be way too distracted to concentrate. I brought my notebook along to see if I could write anything down. I got one sentence.

Still, it was time well wasted, I must say. Now, I can actually focus on my article.

Oh, wait...it's getting kinda late and I'm a little sleepy...maybe I'll do more work tomorrow.

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Productivity Experiment: Day 21

After spending 8 hour working days and losing 2 hours in commuting, and then another hour and a half removing layers of skin in order to remove paint from my arms, legs, and face, I am typically too bagged to do anything else. Add Capoeira classes to the mix, that eats up about 1.5 hours, plus 2 hours of commuting. My time management skills are in dire need of a shake-up, as this leaves very little time to work on any sort of article. So, I have decided one thing: if I stop sleeping, then I'll have more time to work on my article. Mind you, the article will be unreadable drivel, but it'll be complete unreadable drivel.

I actually wrote myself an extensive to-do list for this week, which I have no chance in hell of completing, given my current level of committment to time management. While I haven't played Grand Theft Auto: Vice City in about a week and I haven't been watching that much television (although I did catch "Next Action Star", which was fairly entertaining), I'm still not having enough time to do stuff.

Luckily, I have a fairly generous deadline, but as Murphy's Law (or some variation) dictates, no matter how much time you are given to do a project, it will expand to fill in all the available slots. In other words, if not for the last minute, nothing would be accomplished.

However, I did accomplish one thing...I finally can do backflips without landing on my head. My ankles really frickin' hurt because I still have to work on my landings. I was able to do this because last night, I went with a bunch of people from my Capoeira group to the beach. After watching a fellow student who's been training and performing Capoeira non-stop for the past seven years doing backflips and back handsprings (Hi, Ronald!), I just said screw it and went for it.

I triumphantly yell out, "I did it! No spring boards, no spotters, I just did it!" I then proceeded to collapse in pain because the feeling of exhilaration and triumph was quickly replaced with a dull pain coming from my feet.

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Productivity Experiment: Day 14

I haven't quite come to a conclusion, but the observation still stands. This experiment has officially been shot to hell.

I started a new job with a painting company, painting houses. This is very tedious work and I'm not that good at it yet, because I've mostly painted fences. When it's someone's house, you have to go much faster because someone is paying you to do this. When I was painting fences, this was when I was living in a townhouse complex and everyone in the Strata was pitching in, so we could do very little work and make it look like we were doing our part. However, when you're on the clock, you have every incentive to do your best and your fastest.

This is keeping me somewhat gainfully employed (if I end up finishing up early, I end up being paid for the allotted time that I am given), but the downside is that I come home too bagged to work on anything else. As I write this, I have just gotten back from Capoeira classes and I still have about an hour and a half of transcriptions calling out for me.

However, this experiment will be carried on longer than I would have hoped. We already know the place I'm moving into has yet to be completed, which means I'm going to be staying at the hotel for a few more weeks, originally slated for mid-to-late June. What I just learned yesterday is that there is yet another delay on the place, which means at least two more weeks, which means early July. D'oh!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll try to see how many pages of transcriptions I can bang out before I pass out.

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Productivity Experiment: Day 11

This productivity experiment isn't actually proving very much and I'm seriously considering abandoning it altogether. But then, it could be because I have done absolutely squat when it comes to my article (my weekend was spent going to Capoeira classes and playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City). One thing that is becoming clear is that if you have a really short attention span or just don't feel like doing the tasks that you have assigned, it doesn't matter how hard you try to limit your distractions. Murphy's Law (or a variant of) dictates that a task will expand to fill all available slots. I'm living that right now.

While I no longer have my old dayjob, I have managed to secure on-call work as a painter. As I am now going to be slightly busier, it'll somewhat simulate the conditions when I was working on my last article. Mind you, my editors have actually assigned me TWO articles, both on the same subject. I haven't even started the second part of the transcriptions. Got about two pages, lost interest, then started playing GTA: Vice City.

Now that's a truly fun time waster. I'm still stuck on that one mission where you have to use RC model airplanes to drop bombs on speed boats. Well, time to break out the cheat list...although I'm thinking that might not help.

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Productivity Experiment: Day 7

I discovered the hotel I'm staying in has a computer in the business room which apparently not a lot of people know about. So, this allows me to check my e-mail for business purposes plus look for jobs at a moment's notice, without having to actually go to the public library across the street. This allows me to shave off about 15 minutes total, adding it to the time I have to do other stuff. On the other hand, this computer terminal also has MSN installed on it, so I can keep in touch with people. Sadly, this eats more than the 15 minutes spent walking back and forth from the library.

Either way, my to-do list has since expanded, incorporating finding part-time summer employment (I have an interview this Monday to work in a liquor store, and another needs to be scheduled for this weekend to be part of a Student Painter group), in addition to doing more transcriptions and articles, having since gotten onto the film set and interviewed all the people there. I have an hour and a half to transcribe and I haven't finished yet.

The most important thing I've learned from being on set is that proper communication is the most important of all. There was a bit of miscommunication between a buncha people, which led to some very awkward moments (for the sake of future employment, names and specifics will not be mentioned). However, after getting advice from my editor, I now know how to proceed.

Now if you'll excuse me, that was four paragraphs.

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