Friday, April 01, 2005

Area Man dies from Celebrity Overexposure
by Vince Yim

Kip Frost, 30, discovered by his girlfriend two weeks after his death. (photo by Kat Code)

Getting sick to death of seeing celebrity coverage has taken on new meaning as local resident Kip Frost was found dead in his apartment last Tuesday afternoon. His partially decomposed body was found parked in front of the television and was discovered by his ex-girlfriend who came by to return his engagement ring after not hearing from him for a month

Lana Weaver, 28, wasn’t too concerned about the lack of contact, being that they broke up the month previous. “I assumed that he just moved on with his life,” Weaver said in an interview. “Either that, or he was too busy following the Michael Jackson trial or waiting for the next episode of Nick & Jessica: Newlyweds.”

Evidently, much of the serious cooling off period was spent in front of the television, where Frost’s body was discovered. Apart from the fact that he apparently hadn’t bathed for two weeks, his eyes appear to have been clawed out with a ballpoint pen. Further details remain speculative pending a coroner’s report.

Being that the two of them had already started combining assets and had a bank account signed in both of their names, Weaver had an additional reason to contact him, so after a week, she started to become worried.

“It’s not like he was the most stable shelf in the furniture store,” Weaver commented, “He didn’t have much of a life outside of work and he spent a lot of his time parked in front of the television. He always went on and on about how he was getting sick of seeing Paris Hilton getting more news coverage than the current situation in the Middle East or how those parents were asking for trouble for letting Michael Jackson take care of their kids.”

Celebrity overexposure has been cited as a cause of many self-inflicted head injuries, which hit a spike during the infamous Janet Jackson Superbowl incident last year and caused several spikes around the verdicts of Scott Peterson and Robert Blake. More and more people have been admitted to the hospital since the beginning of the Michael Jackson trial.

Dr. Xavier Greene, chief neurosurgeon of Vancouver Memorial hospital for the past fifteen years, is not surprised. “You should’ve seen the people coming in when OJ Simpson’s white Ford Bronco was interrupting the airwaves,” he recalls. “But this would have been the first time that there was actual death from celebrity overexposure. There was a person who gave himself a concussion over the Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez engagement and subsequent break-up, but after he was admitted to our psychiatry ward, we cut off all media exposure for him and he’s about ready to re-enter society.”

When reminded that the whole “Bennifer” thing ended over a year ago, he shrugs. “For some people, the damage is a little bit deeper rooted. He’s one of the lucky ones. Some people end up requiring a lifetime of therapy, and some end up like Mr. Frost.”

Kip Frost was 30.

Oh, and by the way...April Fools.

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